I came to t-12 , even though I needed help, my 1st instinct ,was to get out. Not to mention i wanted to use, the more and more ,the longer i was sober.
The 1st month ,I was just coming back to planer earth,but I did see something here that rang true, so I pushed to stay here,.
Admitting to the fact that I was incredibly selfish and self centered, as I had pushed everyone out of my life to an extreme, I didn’t do anything for anybody unless there was something in it for myself. I even took the passenger seat out of my car, so nobody could ask me for a ride!
My second month, when it came time to change , I ran into resistance, as I didn’t want to let go of my delusions I had about myself. The difficulty required In the process self searching, honesty, and accepting harsh feedback from others. So I became defiant. Hating the program and all those who were trying to help me.
I was miserable, wanted to go back to my old life, until I got my wish. My parents had decided, do to financial considerations, and outside opinions ,that they were going to take me out. In that moment, reality came crashing down, I knew I was in trouble, the way I was going,and I was willing to change no matter what.
I looked into the 1st step, admitted we were powerless over alcohol(addiction) and our lives had become unmanigable.
It was easy to see how miserable I was , how things never worked out ,how destructive I was. But was I powerless? Was it against my will that I used?
I looked into a time ,where I relapsed ,to see exactly what went through my mind preceding . I had a drug test, and the plan was to not get high, 30 days prior. The consequences far out wieghed the temporary enjoyment. I set myself up to be completely distracted,with media, and the consequences where hanging over my computer,in the form of a court date.
Day 30 came I was watching a tv show, went out to smoke a cigarette. And the thought came to mind, “this would be better if it was a joint”. Trying to bring those consequences to my mind, my thoughts changed to “30 days 29 days what’s the difference?” Running to smoke like it was the best idea in the world, vaguely sensing that this was wrong, bec it would lead to “29 days, 28 days what’s the difference.” Which ended up happening, up until the day of the test.
The realization, that this wasn’t, a bad decision, but this is, No decision, this type of thinking was insane and illogical, and I couldn’t predict it , nor stop it when time comes, addiction had a mind of its own.
Friday night i was asked, what does it mean for you’re future? I don’t have a future I replied , I went outside, and I experienced the 1st step.
I don’t have a future, even if I had a dream life , and things weren’t bad (a common alibi for why I used) I would still use , against my will.
My mind was raced into unmanigibilty, there is nothing I ever got that fulfilled me, always ” now what” and there’s nothing I still want, that will make me happy. I in fact “don’t want what I want”
Finally, the realization of how I came down here in the 1st place. I was against rehab for so long, and addiction controlled me , how did it allow me to come down, even the pace in which I made it down here, was so against me, it had to have been a miracle, that despite myself I could get help.Leading to my second step.
Came to believe a power greater then myself could restore me to sanity. I knew this problem was beyond human help, people can help people, but not an insane person, who will use despite the risk. I saw others getting out and it had to be Hashem. I knew Hashem could help me ,and not just in an intellectual way, because he helped others , but why would he do it for me?
My group asked me a very simple question, does God have a relationship with you? Well yes I said ,he created me ,brought me down here. Do you have a relationship with him? No I do not.
This realization was a powerful experience, the thing that I’ve been missing my whole life, what made me so unmanigable, was a lack of connection, a real relationship with my creator.
The one who was blocking this was none other then me , I became so selfish and self centered,there was no room in my life for Hashem, if anything he had just been there to serve me!
The following week the rabbi asked, why we do this whole recovery thing? Was it just selfishly to get better, wasn’t that the problem in the 1st place? We do this to be Moser nefesh to be mikadesh sham shamiam. We give of our selves absolutely ,willing to suffer and stand up for the truth for the sake of Hashem, and others.
When I heard this ,two thoughts went through my mind. “This is right” followed by “what about me”. I wrestled with this for 12 hours until I got alone at night, and I realized despite my selfish nature , there was a part of me, that wants to good , for the sake of doing good, and that’s my soul, which is screaming out for this connection
After going through my unmangibilty in more detail, seeing how stuck in self I was , that even trying to selfless acts,I was being selfish, and that there is no way out, and nothing i could do to really make this happen I made my 3rd step decision.
Offering myself to Hashem, abandoning myself utterly, praying that he’ll take me out of this ,so his victory will bring testimony to his power, asking to be taken out of complete selfishness,So I can actually be able to help others selflessly, and do his will correctly.